Photo by Houcine Ncib on Unsplash

H.E.R. Crisis Guest Blogger: J’Chanelle

Defeat. Six letters that carry such a strong, impactful meaning. It’s a word we hear quite often, but never truly understand its magnitude until it stops us dead in our tracks. That’s what happened to me today. I was stopped dead in my tracks. I was thrown a curve ball that I hadn’t prepared for. The wind got knocked out of me and I found myself breathing while suffocating. Six little letters.

Those six small, insignificant letters have suddenly given confusion full control of my life. How did this happen? How do I move forward? How do I face those who were rooting for me? So many questions running through my mind while the heat from the tears warmed my cheeks. The pain in my head becoming more and more evident while I fought the congestion building in my nose.

The phone continues to buzz with texts from those who’ve heard the news. Keep your head up, they say. You’ll be ok, just try again they muse. It just wasn’t your time, they continue. It wasn’t my time? Why? Why wasn’t it my time? What didn’t I do? Did I not pray enough? Was I not good enough? Did I not work hard enough? Suddenly, everything that I’ve worked for feels like a lie. The sacrifices, oh the sacrifices-they feel in vain. What was the purpose? What was the reason for the struggle? To feel this lost? To feel this hurt? To feel this unaccomplished? Then it hit me—yes. This is exactly the purpose. I remember my best friend once telling me that I was the strongest person she knew. I remember the feeling that came over me when I heard those words. It was a feeling of pride.

Then, there was the sudden realization that my strength has come from my defeat.

It’s come from the moments where I felt like I had nothing left to give but I gave. It was the moments where my legs were too weak to move, but I stood. It came from the time where I had to find forgiveness in a heart that had been shattered seemingly beyond repair. It was that period where I wasn’t sure how I was going to feed my son, but we both managed to pick up a few extra pounds. It comes from days like today.

See—God doesn’t give his hardest tests to the faint. He gives them to the strong. He gives them to the willed. He uses those who momentarily give in, but refuse to give up. And those are the ones who share His promise. How easy is it to stay faithful when things are great and easy? But, how many of us can say we sing that same praise when things seem hopeless and unattainable? If we can’t find beauty in the broken Halleluiah, we can’t call our praise beautiful. So, today, right now, while I’m at my lowest—I chose to add another cause for my strength. I chose to take a deep breath and find the will to try again. I chose to turn my defeat into my step stool. I chose to be strong. And, low and behold—strong, too, has six little letters.

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